My blogpost of April talked about my story of infertility. In this blogpost I am revealing that life has suddenly placed me on the other side of the coin – yes indeed I am 43, single and I am now 13 weeks pregnant for the very first time. Both myself and the baby are doing well. It has truly been an emotional rollercoaster, as they say, however even though it has been tough, as for every life crisis, the lessons to be learned are huge, and the opportunities for growth are massive. The goal of this blogpost is to share the challenges faced and lessons learnt, not only for women in similar situations, but for anyone going through a challenging time in their lives.
1. Resolving feelings towards the father.
My biggest fear was, and still is, the fear of judgement regarding being a mature woman, single and pregnant. Who is the father? Am I in a relationship? I was with the father for a very short while, and we live in different countries. I realised that I was going to fall into the trap of being in an unhappy toxic relationship once again, and my strong intuition was guiding me to letting him go. He got angry, did not want to be involved anymore with the child, and left, never to get in touch again, making me wonder whether he really cared about me in the first place. Once again, was it love, or was it attachment? Was he really interested in me, or was I fulfilling what he pictured to be the ideal relationship he needed to complete him to look like? What about me? What was it which attracting me to him in the first place? Was it physical attraction, was it lust, was it that I was hoping that he would fulfil my picture of the ideal relationship I needed to complete me? Should I have stayed with the father for the sake of the child? Or let’s look at a different hypothesis, was me getting pregnant part of a bigger plan, from the Universe, God, or whatever you choose to believe in? Were we meant to get together for a short while for the purpose of conceiving this child, is it the plan of this child’s soul to be born through me all along? I do not have the answer, and my beliefs keep changing, some points of view make me feel relaxed, others disturb me and make me feel guilty, guilty of letting go and being a little foolish, guilty of leading a man on then hurting him, guilty of being the reason that this child will grow up without a father. Aborting for me is equivalent to murder therefore it is totally against my principles. I decide to go for the belief which gives me peace, which is that of acceptance of what is.
2. Fear of judgement from the people I meet.
Nobody has really judged me, to the contrary, following the initial looks of disbelief (which are kinda funny actually, my brother’s look of disbelief was number one), everybody was really happy for me, especially those who knew my story. Not only, but I already got donations for a push chair, baby steriliser, baby clothes (if it’s a girl, thanks Margaret!), car seat, nappies, the lot. My parents have been amazing and live close by. Luckily, we live in a much more tolerant society, whereby different family formations are possible. What more could I ask for? This means that the actual fear of judgement is coming from within myself. I am judging myself. How many times do we do this? How many times do we regret something, and keep beating ourselves up? I should have, would have, could have….the truth is that we did what we thought was best with the information we had at the time, or rather, we thought it was a good idea at the time. If we don’t judge ourselves, we place the blame ‘out there’. Why? Do we have to blame someone every time? Here I have lots more to work on, a perfect opportunity to look within myself, and accept all parts of me. Why not focusing on what’s wrong, we rather focus on what’s right? Maybe it’s time also to let go of taking ourselves too seriously, have fun with it, let go and focus on helping others, who are struggling too, one way or another.
3. Do I need a relationship?
Here, I need to rethink about the way I see relationships. This experience gave me a clearer picture of what I want, and what I want right now is to know myself better, to love myself completely and unconditionally and to have love present in all areas of my life. I am not there yet, but I am determined to get there. By doing this, we will automatically attract the vibrations we emit, if we emit love and care that is what we are going to get. Whether we are in a relationship or not doesn’t really matter, because love is always there, always present, it is flowing like a river, because we have removed all the rocks which were blocking it. So this is another lesson, and it is already working, I have never experienced so much love and support in my entire life.
4. It is okay to ask for love and support.
Throughout my life I never wanted to depend on anyone, I wanted to be ‘tough’ and do it all alone. Now, faced with this situation, I realised that NO, I cannot do it all alone, I need support, and I am realising how wonderful it is. Having my mum coming over to make me the most amazing chicken broth when I was sick, receiving advice from people who have been through this before, receiving baby stuff, I am embracing it all. I hope that one day I will have more opportunity to help others in the same way. So, am I doing this all alone? Absolutely not. There is a unity, a sense of community, and this is the environment in which this baby will grow. There will be loads of mother figures, and father figures, in this community.
5. Live this experience fully.
My friends who are mums are excitedly sharing with me everything they have been through, and how this journey is so worth while. So far I have seen that the baby is normal and healthy and I have seen and heard its tiny little heartbeat. I have several pictures of the baby in my tummy and I am still amazed by how what was a tiny little dot has already become a fully formed person. It is a miracle, and it is happening every single day. I am not looking forward towards getting big and heavy (it was also a challenge for me to share the picture below), but I am more and more present as the weeks go by. I am fine, the baby is fine, we will be fine.
6. Life goes on.
A new life is growing, and life goes on. Continuing with daily activities, work, progressing towards my coaching certification, having a social life, growth, it all carries on. Taking breaks when the fatigue kicks in is ok.
I hope you found this blog helpful. It took me a while to gather the courage to share, and in the end I did. And you? What challenges are you facing in your life? Whatever it is, look deeper and you will always find a hidden gift, a hidden opportunity.