Hey folks! How are you all doing today? Today I am blogging about ANGER…grrrr! I am sure that all of you have experienced some form of disappointment, betrayal or injustice from someone which made you feel angry, and if not then hey, who are you kidding? What makes it worse, is that on top of all that, you get as a response from that person “You are just angry”. Doesn’t that piss the hell out of you even more?
I must admit that it is only during this past week that I have learned the correct way to deal with anger through a personal experience of mine, and I hereby thank that person who has made me angry, for all the insights I have received, which I am honoured to share with you all.
Anger is a normal human emotion
Yes, we want to be the perfect human beings, we want to be good, because that is how we were brought up, with orders like, “Don’t fight with your brother”, “Be good”, or “Go in the corner”. Society has brought us up to deny our basic emotions, which are Anger, Sadness and Fear. So what do we do? We suppress them, pushing them down so bad that they become our shadow, and the more we deny our emotions the stronger the shadow gets, ready to explode at any moment. Do you recall the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde story? Dr. Jekyll repressed his dark side so bad that it turned into a different person, a monster. How about the husband who killed his wife in an instant? Or the kid who did a massive shooting in a school then turn the gun on himself? These are perfect examples of the dangers of suppressed anger. Similarly, positive feelings can be suppressed too, when we learn that the world is a dangerous place, for example. Then we lash out uncontrollably at parties, only to feel miserable the following day. We can’t deny who we are, and we certainly can’t deny how we feel. As Carl Jung states “What we resist, persists.”
I was one of those persons who suppressed anger, as I was brought up believing that I “shouldn’t get angry”, since being angry is a form of impoliteness, and of course we must always be polite in front of people, otherwise what will they think and say about us? The result? I used to be “polite” in secondary school, doing whatever the other girls wanted, tagging along, then when it got too much, I would just burst and scream. I then built myself a nice reputation, starting with “Oh Angie is coming, shuna, shuna (all warmed up)”, ending with a chorus chanting for me whenever I got on a bus “Angie fire engine, Angie fire engine.”
Shall I continue? 15 years later I get married, and I am determined to be the good wife, holding it all in, until one day, guess what…I SCREAM AND SHOUT so loud, that my husband is afraid that we will wake up the neighbours. The usual phrase follows…Angie, you are SOOOO Angry!
Thankfully, all the coaching and counselling I received helped me to understand that its okay to get angry, however I realised that I wasn’t practicing what I learned until this episode of last week. I thought that I had won over this devil called anger – I wasn’t getting angry at all since my marriage ended. BUT, the truth was that I hadn’t learnt my lesson just yet. This person was behaving in an intolerable way towards me for a few months, and I just put a smiling face and accepted it. Then, in spite of that, in spite of all my dedicated efforts, I did not get the outcome I wanted with this person. I was in Lisbon for work, walking in the street, doing my best to be polite, where suddenly I felt a voice inside of me go “Aaarghhhhh!!!” Then I realised…I was angry! This time, I realised that I was angry that I wasn’t respecting myself, that once again I was putting the needs of someone else over my own, with the hope of being accepted. Wrong! This does not work!
Dealing with anger in a healthy way
The day after I am sitting in a workshop, and the anger came back with a vengeance! Then the important realisation came, this time, I knew better, and I owe it to myself to deal with and resolve this anger. What did I do?
- I contacted the person I was angry with, and expressed how I felt. Understand here the difference between “screaming and shouting” and “expressing anger”. Expressing anger is simply saying something like “I felt deceived by you since……”, “I feel angry with you because…..”, “I don’t think its fair that….”. If the person really cares for you, he / she will listen to you, apologise and be open to ways in which the situation can be improved. Unfortunately it wasn’t the case for me, and I realised that the relationship with this person was not the right one to begin with, so I took the decision to let him go.
- If the emotions are too strong in the way that they might be too hurtful, take some time out to take a few breaths, or use an energy technique like EFT tapping. Then when the emotions are tolerable, follow step 1 above. A friend of mine mentioned that she precedes Step 1 with a hug, which she founds helps to calm down the anger and acknowledge each other’s feelings. Indeed!
- Don’t be afraid to lose a relationship. If you lose a relationship just because of an episode, then that relationship wasn’t the right one to begin with! Also, if a relationship takes up too much of your energy, then that relationship wasn’t the right one to begin with! A person who really cares for you will be willing to work with you to move past this episode and grow together.
- If you do lose a relationship, deal with the emotions of loss with EFT tapping, or speak to a coach or therapist if the relationship was an important one. In my case, I used EFT tapping and after just a few days, I am feeling even better and freer than ever before!
- Prevention is better than cure – prevent excessive anger by setting healthy boundaries, and learn to say NO. You will notice that, contrary to what I thought, people notice and respect you more, and your relationships improve as a result.
- Remember, trying too much to suppress your own feelings to make other people happy, or to respect others, is an act of disrespect to yourself. Trying too much to fix other people’s problems is an act of disrespect to them. Guess what – we all have the power within us to resolve our issues and heal! Isn’t that great?
I hope that you found this helpful! And you? What is your experience with anger? Tell us about it in the comments!
On a final note, I am super excited that we are in the middle of the 10th Tapping World Summit! Here, various experts are interviewed on the extensive applications, developments and benefits of EFT tapping. What makes it better…is that it’s totally FREE!